What do you do to give yourself a private moment, a moment of self-reflection, just for you? Do you take in a movie by yourself, or walk the dog in the park, or do you get away from it all with a big chocolate milkshake? How do you take your ‘me time’, as they call it?

Now here’s the thing- I am alone, as such, 24/7 lately. Most of that time, I’m wishing I wasn’t wishing I wasn’t alone. That DOES make sense. I have to keep up my own morale, give myself hugs, talk to myself, find ways of smiling. I do pretty well, I think. But it isn’t without effort, and the stupidest thing is, I still need ‘alone time’.

That is, times when I stop wishing, and trying, and I just let it be, and I look back. I think about what I have at home, where I’ve been. I think about every individual person I love, I close my eyes and imagine where they are, and then in my mind I hug them, kiss them, rest my head on their shoulder for a second, tell them I love them. And for a moment I pretend they might know I’m there.

If I forget to do this.. sometimes I break a little, then I have a lapse of judgement and smoke cigarettes, or drink too much, or I can’t sleep, or I sleep all day and have chocolate for tea.

The places I go to do this change, because I move a lot. By the sea is my favourite- in minehead I’ve found a place where i can scramble over the sea wall down on to the rocks, and watch waves crash, or I take Tickle for a walk at night, or in the rain. In Nelson I liked to stop on the way back from town, on Rocks road, climb down onto the concrete thing beside the road, I don’t know what to call it, and look out over the Bay, out to Rabbit Island. At Awaroa, obviously, it’s a picture postcard beach. I like to know that when I put my feet in the water, I am touching every other shore in the world. And I can imagine that I am on one of them for a moment.  Sometimes I swim.

Or I go to a cafe, on my own, and have a really good coffee, and watch people. Not so much lately, because good coffee is a rare thing here. People, however, are rampant, so I go to my favourite cafe in the village sometimes.

Public transport is good too, I like looking at the other people and wondering what they’re listening to on their headphones. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if a pair of headphones were invented where, if you were standing near someone, you could hear their music. I wonder if it would be more obvious what they were thinking. Imagine walking down a busy street, the amazing mix of song you would hear. Not everyone’s cup of tea I suppose. I would love it.

Lately, church. It’s an hour where you can zone out, be completely selfish, pretend to be thinking wholesome thoughts. I only said one prayer at church today. I read an article in the paper sent in my a man who is dying of cancer. So is his wife. They have an 11 year old daughter. She’ll knows she’s going to be an orphan soon. And I don’t know if I believe in prayer, but I did anyway. The rest of that hour I pretended I was home, and I visited some of my friends and family. It was 10pm in NZ, and I imagined Holly was tired from a long tramp, and i laughed at the growing dreadlocks in her hair and gave her a kiss on both cheeks and got excited about going travelling with her soon. I imagined Mum reading a book in bed, and I went and lay down with her for a moment and held her hand. Then I jumped on my brother’s bed, and then I gave Tom a really big hug and then I visited Amy at the kitchen table where she was studying something I didn’t understand and I thought she was very clever, and then I visited El in her new house, playing on her laptop, and I didn’t get emotional because that would scare her, so I just told her I liked her hair and then I admired her new house. Then I gave my Dad a kiss and told him I loved him, and then i left.

And these are the moments that keep me together. I hope you do know I’m there.