A is for ‘orses

B is for Boots. Today I blew my pay there, on all sorts of luxurious whatsits. I <3 Boots. I am totally sucked in.

C is for Celebrities. They’re about. Jamie Oliver’s a stone’s throw away, folks. I could practically start calling him by his nickname – J dog. And Beyonce is moving to Mayfair. Not exaaactly next door but ya know. Agyness Deyn and Lily Allen and Kimberly Stewart and Kylie Minogue, all roaming the same streets as I. Odd. You lot, you’re stuck with.. oh, I don’t know? Paul, whatsit, off the news?

D is for David Tennant, who is performing at a venue near ME apparently, and who I am not going to see. WHAT a waste, Laura Millson. but really, where’s the fun in going to see Shakespeare on your own? You have to have someone to make faces at when you’re totally lost halfway through and after an hour of valiantly trying to understand all the thussing and fairing and gaying and yondering, you’ve got to show SOMEONE the small plastic frogman stuck in the hair of the person in front of you. Don’t you?

E is for English habits- one of them being IRONING.it seems to be a national sport.. i’ve had comprehensive lessons in it, and I swear have done more ironing here than ever in my life. Is it fun? Does it make a difference? other than wasting time? would be great if you could pull it out at a bustop and start ironing away. but you just can’t.

F is for Format- I’m finding an extreme amount of difficulty forming proper sentences today. I mean, what was that, eh?! I’m finding and extreme amount of difficulty? what kind of rubbish language do I speak?

G is going to be W today. Sorry, G. No prbs, daWg. Glad we sorted this out. I’ll make it up to ya some other time.    … Waiting. for transport, specifically. I never know what to DO at bustops. it’s hugely irritating. today i waited 90minutes for a bus, beside a really feral chav.

H is for Humans. I’m gonna make some, peeps. It’s gonna happen. Oops, I mean I’m gonna make some friends. I’m gonna meet some humans. whoopsie, that reminds me of the time I asked G-ma for her to knit me some booties and she thought I was preggers. Til she enlightened me- they are NOT booties, they are television slippers. riiight.  I have told Hannah’s dedicated friends in the south that I will, at some point, grace them with my lovely prescence. I also plan to find some randoms to do some short bursts of travel with (via internet, gumtree and the like). Plus I AM going to live in Minehead, where some lovely humans live already. Just to clarify once more: i am NOT making any babies.

I is for Insanity- COFFEE in this country is driving me slowly up the wall. of ALL the things I was not prepared for, this is the worst. actually, everything else is pretty much as expected. Except for relocating to Minehead, that wasn’t really in the plan. But the coffee sitch (read: situation) is far, far worse. Since landing in this backwards country i have not had a coffee that I wouldn’t return had i been in NZ. Forget your creamy latte froth, fellow coffee worshippers. Forget your thick rich crema. All you get here is cApPaCHiNo!!! – overpriced, bubbly, bland. Ew.

J is for Jam; three cheers for Jam. Now you may know how much I love my vegemite. I like to put it very thickly upon lashings of butter over about the same amount of bread. In the abscence of bread, vegemite is fine all on it’s own. But it’s not here. This morning i decided that in my yearning for Vegemite I would have some Marmite. But this is not the Marmite I knew of. It was runnier, and brown-er. It should be black. IT WAS DISGUSTING, AND REVOLTING, I IMMEDIATELY SPAT IT FROM MY MOUTH, cut away the offending affected bit of toast and finished my toast with Jam, the hero of the day. Hear Hear, three cheers for JAM.

K is for Kooks. The Kooks. The band, I love them. they make my day.

L is for Learning something everyday via PODCASTS that I download from the BBC! Today I learnt of an american man who found his broken lawnmower infuriating so shot it dead and was promptly arrested and charged for possession of several guns and disorderly conduct. He faces six years in prison. A lawnmower expert sadly commented that damages were ‘unlikely to be repairable’   …sigh, how tragic. THe man himself issued this statement : ‘It’s my lawnmower, i’ll shoot it if I want’. Quite right, my man.

M is for Mum, who I miss allll the time and think about every day. Would someone please give my lovely Ma a big hug for me, since I can’t. <3

N is for Numbers- i don’t have yours, I left them all behind, and it’s quite cheap for me to text you, and a damned good bus stop time waster that i can NOT take advantage of if I don’t have your numbers. So please email me with them!!

O is, of course, for Olympics. Will someone please tell me if our lovely country is winning anything?! Normally I would have no CHOICE knowing, you know, people just INFORM you at regular intervals. Whether you want to know or not. It’s a strange thing that sports fans feel they can do that. Even more so at Olympics time. It’s not like interior designers engage people in small talk by saying ‘oh, yes, beige is definitely in again. and vases are out, at the moment it’s all about anti-decorialism’ or whatever. But anyway, without me showing TOO much enthusiasm, what’ve we got? Come on. Someone fill me in. I refuse to look it up. All I know about is great-bloody-britain, who are doing VERY well in the SWIMMING this year. Yes. yes.

P is for Possession – It has recently occurred to me I’d like to own a cream handbag. That’s all.

Q is for Mind the Gap. Hush! I know! I’ll try to include the letter ‘q’ in the following sentences as oft as possible. Well, I saw (q) Mind the (q) gap. I even heard the annoucement. (Q) but it’s not very exciting. noqw I’ve witnessed it firsthand, it’s not so excqiting. The gap is a veryq real and ever present danqger. It plunges terror into mine own soul, and I’qm sure it causes many Londoners great worry (Q) on a dailqy basis.

*jaws theme tune*

..moving on. (q)((q, despite being a little cheated from your role, you DO have the biggest section of my post..))

R is for Remove. To remove oneself from a situation, step out and look in for a moment, is a strange and wonderful thing to do. It’s like stepping into the future and looking back on yourself. And wondering if, looking back, your memory of that moment could be entirely different, because in precisely 10 seconds, a bird will take off with your hat and you will chase it and fall down a hole and miss your train and make friends with the cave man and be introduced to your new favourite religeon, from which you will be forever changed. In this unlikely but possible event you will look back and think ‘ah! but I was so naive! I was not to know that my view of life was forever about to change!’ And stepping into the past, and how you imagined that moment might be. Which is almost always different. Like when you imagine kissing someone, and when it happens, it’s not how you imagined. I don’t recall ever imagining what it might be like to be here. I never did imagine what my life might be like- i think that’s why I’ve found it so easy to settle, I had absolutely no expectations. Which is why I don’t believe in plans. They can mess stuff up.

S is for sleep – english beds have these WONDERFUL things on the mattresses that make them all squishy and sinky, they’re ‘divine’. i tried to think of a less ew word to describe it but that’s it. it must be all the trashy novels..

T is for Trashy novels. I’m readin’ em. If the cover’s got leopard skin on it and it’s emblazoned with pink and green curly writing, i’m on the case. I am doin’ my reading on midlife crisises(?) and magazine employees, set in Dublin, #1 trashy novel setting city. (there goes that difficulty-forming-sentences thingum again)

U is for you- I miss you.

V is for vote- is it nearly voting time? I get to, don’t I ? I’m a SPECIAL VOTE. You all have to wait for me. Hooray! I’m gonna vote greeennn *peace sign*

W is for Watch. I think I’m going to have to get a nice one, this red plastic one is hopeless and i don’t trust it and it’s already getting all cracked looking. If you were to buy a watch, what kind would it be? the watch world is lost on me.

X is for X-ray. duh. what did you think? Manta-ray? the letter is X, you pillock. oh! and for xxx

Y is for yay, the end of this. and Y did I do that. Y. Y and GoodbYe.

Z is, OBVIOUSLY,for Zoo. I can’t wait to go to a zoo. Yay! Zoos.